Tis the Season

It's been quite a while since I blogged.  What a funny word.  Blog.  Maybe it's cuz it sounds like glug.  We have to remember to take the glug to Christmas this year.


Got all the shopping finished.  Just waiting on one present to come from Amazon.  Now for the wrapping.  But went out and bought the last 6 during my two hour shopping grind last night.  Thought I would die upon returning home.  Legs didna want to cooperate, esp. right leg at hip joint.  front and center not wanting to flex at all.  Shopping usually gets my mood elevated, the endorphins go up.  But not no more...  Just wears me out.  Although I got some really good deals at Kohls. and Walfart.


Didna make it to the Hodie rehearsal today as a result.  The Egoscue e-cises helped as did the ice and the 800 ibuprofen and tramadol, although it took quite a while for them to kick in.


Made it to the Xmas party Mark wanted me to go to with him.  I got really sore and tired of standing, sitting, and smiling.  But upon leaving was not nearly as sore as after shopping last night.  Should go do the 3 main e-cises soon before retiring.  But feeling rather bla...  bla bla blog blog...


Getting really tired too..  been kinda dizzy all day.  still that way... not wanting to e-cise at all.

O and went back to sleep this morning to gain a total of 8-1/2 hours!!! That is the most sleep in ages...  Still felt so tired today all day however... and tired now.


Bye blog.  glug glug.

My Efforts

I finally talked myself into going to the pool today (although yesterday was fine, because I went with a friend and didn't drive nor spend too long torturing myself in doing difficult stretches) and gathered all the necessaries but couldn't find the keys to the car.  I begged and pleaded for the Lord's help and motivation, all to no avail.  Well, he gave me plenty of impetus, but no car keys.  I guess I will have to actually think about biking the 3 miles to the Heritage Center, since Northlake is still operating on a bum pump.  That makes it way too cold and   full of chlorine.  Besides, it is nice seeing other people who are actively talking if not exercising.

So, this marks day 2 in doing Pete Egoscue's Ecises.  So far, only the ones for the feet and hip rotation #1 Ecise.  I still need to to the pointer dog and squats.  Ugh.  How can I get motivated while feeling so cooped up?  The same way I do when going to the pool.  Yes.

But if only I could see some fruits of my labor, now that would be just the ticket!

A Glimpse of Halan

Today, I finally dragged my carcass to the pool (it has been open for three days already) and had a superior stretching and swim time.  I did not push myself, only went at the kind of pace where I hope to get home in one piece (well, at least make it back to the car without crying.)  


Not only did I make it home in one piece, without crying, groaning or having spasms, but I did another load of laundry and finished the tapioca pudding for lunch at Lynn's tomorrow.  Unfortunately, some time during the beating of the egg whites to soft peaks, I danced a little too hard to the Golden Oldies, twisting the lower left lumbar region, rendering the momentary success a total loss.


Ah, at least it was worth it to experience the joyful hope that someday I will be able to have a life once again.  Thank you, Lord.

Sunday Day of Hope

Have been thinking a lot of my time up in Bloomington with the kids.  Fall is nice up there.  Then I happened to remember I have live streaming of the IU operas and got to hear the last part of Mozart's comic opera.  It brought back fond memories of meeting the dean and the births of our lovely granddaughters.  It was the happiest time of my life to be there in the form of a servant helping out our son and daughter in law when they needed someone.  Praise god for that!


Ok, back to my rehab.  I have to admit I have been pretty low lately, losing hope day by day.  The exercising seems only to have brought more and more pain.  I get so tired of pain.  I get close to giving up.  I want to give up.  I want to be pain free yesterday.   My friend tells me I have changed and although seemingly faith has fled away, she sees me as having more faith and less anger.  She is my Barnabus, because she has been through her share of pain.  She really wants to see me believing more in the healing power of the stripes of Jesus than the doctors telling me I may need hip replacement surgery.  I do so want to believe.  Lord help my unbelief.


Another setback is the process of trying to secure some money from Social Security Disability and Early Retirement.  The government is not to be relied upon or trusted.  And ultimately neither are doctors.  I am certainly not going to treat any of them like the fourth member of the trinity like many family members on both sides have done.


So, taking it back about a week, I was swimming in the deep end, about three lanes in from the ladder, was finishing up with the breaststroke and happened to look down in these clearer goggles and see this most beautiful and  (literally) moving  image:  Near my body it was all grey and darkish, but out of there shot out my arms, hands together, as if praying, and then out to the sides, away from my body.  Jetting out from the grey area were rays of light forming a sort of semi circle, and all through this panorama were little uneven squares of sparkly sun.  Each time I took a stroke in this central part of the pool this image kept jolting through my spirit as if Jesus were shooting hope into my heart.  So cool!  I hope it is true.


Now I get afraid to hold on to hope, and I get angry at God, yes, even Him, because he has let me go on so long this way when he knows I am holding out for his healing, knowing he never turned anyone away while treading this earth and wants to heal me. But I feel as though he has abandoned me.  Yes, he too.   I don't believe that he is using pain to teach me.  I don't think he is holding back healing because I've been bad.  But I know he is in control and he will do what he wants when he wants to.  I may be impatient, but I know that is true.


I know there was a day when Mark would get out the oil without hesitation and anoint anyone in the family who had the slightest blister or boo boo.  But now he says he is not called to be an elder in the church.  I may totally manifest and try to choke him if he were to pray for me now.  But it is the thing I want most on earth;  I just have to quit pressuring him and let him do it when he is ready.  I am ready yesterday, but he is not ready.  So, I will wait.  I will let him go to church and sing in the choir while I stay home.  I am not as frail in faith as he yet is after his betrayals.  I do want that first love back, and maybe that is what will happen before my other miracle.


Meanwhile every time I have a few hours or even a whole day with minimum pain, I get quite excited.  It is easy to hope then.


Yaweh's will be done.

Take it easy, woman!

So, Saturday, I lay out in the sun for an hour before getting into the cold pool.  Did all my usual stuff and decided to swim in the shallow end, since I had ridden Huli the Bently earlier and didn't need to bicycle in the deep.  


The guy swimming next to me was pretty slow, (like me) so I decided to see if I could out lap him and sped up.  Then he sped up.  soon it was a free for all.  By the time he quit, I was pretty sore and wished I had not challenged him.  But I think he was glad.


Today I just took it easy after doing all my stretches twice.  Did not have any competition, nor were there many swimming laps.  Too bad, it was a lovely day for a swim, and it will be tomorrow too.  Going up to 105!  Will definitely warm up the water.


Don't know why these ole legs are so sore!  Hoping and praying soon they will get used to all this exercise and the pain in the lower back will back off for good.

Bleh

Yesterday:  chiropractic, home to laundry, kitchen and waiting for pool to open. 


Pain pretty bad


All stretches once, laps complete, bicycle in deep end for 15 min.


Some relief after laps, but more pain after bicycling motions.


Home to ice.  Pain does not subside the rest of the day until bedtime meds.


Today:  bicycle around track ten times.  somewhat windy.  Home and picked up too much.  Pain sets in.  Ice for 3 hours.  somewhat better.


Moral of the story...  do not bend over.  squat when getting something off floor, but be sure to have something to lean on upon rising from said squat.


and goal:  Push through the pain.

Sunday

Here it is September eleventh, the day of remembrance for all who fell on that fateful day ten years ago.  They are serving communion at church.  I love communion, but I cannot attend.  My back is hurting too much to sit.  I cannot walk without a lot of pain.  But I can ride my bike, and I can swim.  


So, even though I got kicked off the track (they can't have tires on the track) (wait, aren't tennis shoes made of that same kind of material?) I will go ever so slowly around the art center complex and try to avoid the potholes, so my spine will not be jolted.  I will pray as I go, for all who have been orphaned or widowed by the Muslim terrorists.  I will pray for the terrorists that they will not have to burn in hell forever.  I will pray for those who think moderate Islam exists, for it, if truly adhered to, only leads to radical Islam.


Jesus said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I will pray for all my relatives who think President Obama has done and will do the right thing for our country.


I know I am not saved by taking communion.  I am not saved by attending church, or singing in the choir.  I do not know why I am being isolated so very sorely at this time.  I do not know why I am so alone in this pain.  I do not know why the physical pain is only leading to more emotional and spiritual pain.  But I do know God has a plan for my life.  Evidently, this all is part of his plan for me right now.  I do not like it.  


I love Job.  I identify with Job a lot.  He lost everything but his life, and he was probably in a lot more pain than I am experiencing.  I do not know how long his trial tormented him.  He could complain and blame it on God, but in the end he also said God would bring his relief.  I agree.  To whom else could I go?  God is the only one who is with me through all this, so I am not completely and utterly alone.  Sometimes I would be nice to have someone stroke my hair, or give me a big hug and kiss.  I do miss the comfort of my mother, and I know my mother also needs me.  


I do not understand all this.  It confuses me so much.  I find it hard to sleep.  I find it hard to relax.  I want to drug myself until all this is over, but the drugs do not do well in my digestive system.  Maybe a little wine.  I am going now.  Bless.

Yea! Pool's Open!!

I did try to swim while Northlake was closed in August, but neither alternate pool proved a viable option, so I chilled at home in the AC, doing my lunges, stretches and generally trying to stay upright and taking nourishment.


Yesterday started with a chilly 58 degrees, so by the time I got in the water, I had to draw myself up and say, "Brrrr!"  Can't believe how cold the water felt, but it did not take many leg lifts before the warm sun reached my tired bones.


I have seen the kids at the track doing a rabbit jump like exercise and thought I'd try that in the water, but Mark said I should only do my usual, and gently at that, and leave the experimenting for later.


He was right.  I was really sore after my basic hour of stretching and hour of lap swim and bicycling in the deep end.  I was sooo thankful the Father found me a close parking place.  At first I had to park way out in Siberia, but as I began walking up, I saw the closest place next to handicapped.  Oh, joy!  Because after the workout, I was barely able to walk to the closest place.  He really knows my needs and limits, thank you, Father!


This morning woke me up in pain at 5:30; I was sore on both sides and on my back, so I lay there listening to Psalms, praying them for me and the guy held in prison for whom I am also praying Psalm 69.  He is being held by Hamas.  Soon it was time to leave for Colleyville.  Dr. Lin said my legs were improving in range of movement.  I can also see this, but the process is not without a lot of pinching, throbbing, and shooting pain down past the knee.  


Avoiding surgery, I am finding, is wrought with lots of hard work and irritating, chronic pain.  Sometimes I want to give in.  Sometimes I think the Father is ignoring me when I affirm that Jesus took my pain on the Cross, not allowing His healing stripes to avail for me.  I am so accustomed to instant, miraculous prayer results!  Then I realize he is helping and healing and answering me through Dr. Lin and the efforts I do purely out of obedience, often in a hopeless frame of mind.


He is also doing a cleansing, healing work in my heart, bringing me into a more thankful and satisfied state of mind and spirit.  
For example, I cannot go swim today unless I bike it, which the weather would definitely allow, but as for my back/legs?  Don't know about that.  I would have to walk a lot on the way home.     But usually when a flat tire, or car trouble, or late utility payment causes me to be housebound, I get all upset and angry.  I can now be content whatever wrenches get in the machinery of expected routines.


So, I can be more thankful, and that is quite a contrast to my usual whining and complaining!

Wee Day

Found out this morning all the recent pain is good pain and useful to boot.  It is because some muscles are now being engaged that were previously dormant.  


so, when I do my lunges, I won't skimp on them, and when it hurts more, I will be glad.


The trick is, do not give up, do not lose hope, do not become too sedentary.  Breathe through the pain like you did during childbirth.  This too shall pass.


Am looking forward to going back to the gym to see my hispanic friends...  well, acquaintances, and hopefully to get my uterus to go back up where it belongs as I do those back stretches while kegelling at the same time.


Also thankful Mark keeps me on the Univera Xtra, which is keeping me from despairing and crying when it hurts more instead of less.


Of course, I know it is Yeshua ha Messiah who is the core of my hope and strength.

hmpf day

Since Northlake closed the 7th of Aug.  I have been to each of the other pools once.  I have more pain than ever.  I have also been doing the lunges, which are the culprit for the very sore left hip.  He said if it hurts,  don't do it.  He also said when I started the lunges to not think about the pain.


Again I have been struggling under mixed signals and am confused.


I have also been doing the ball.


I am so desperately tired of it all.  I would get the surgery at this point if I knew it would help.


Poo.

Hmpfh Day

Went for second appointment of the week and again had lower left pain up to hip and across lower back upon getting out of car once home...  Pain in legs (both) and more than usual.  


Can't figure out why the pain has escalated the last week or so. 


Been swimming and stretching as usual.  No new stretches, although I am looking into, "Resistance Training."  (in the pool)  Dylan said not only football players but boxers are doing it now.  Funny when he dissed it when I first told him I swam laps.


So, stayed home today and did two loads of laundry, hung them out, and sat down for lunch.  Crawled up the stairs and forgot the ice pack, which wasn't totally frozen from yesterday yet.  
Hopefully it will be solid by the time the big heat reaches the western room where the Internet connects by late afternoon.


If it weren't for the Univera Xtra, I would be despairing and crying, but it won't let me do that anymore for the most part.  I cry inside but hope lingers.


Also carried the ironing board upstairs and will get the iron later to iron my flax dresses in case I go to church this Sunday.


Waaaaaaaaah...  O that Mark were home to bring me the ice pack...

new stretch invented by me

For some reason my left hip muscle up around the waist and in toward the spine is pulled.  This started before I left the office yesterday, so I haven't a clue what it could be...


Went to swim yesterday and did the new, "Leap Frog Stretch" I invented.  Plus all the other stretches twice.  Couldna find a close parking place, so was crying by the time I got back to the car.  Decided to stay in today.  Mark having the car, beside the fact that it is 2F Hot induced my laziness.  So tired of the heat, being in Texas with no family.  Oh, well, what is a blog if not for whining and complaining.


I must make myself do the indoor stretches and praying.... esp. for Julia, who seems to be in a great deal of emotional pain lately.


Ok, this new stretch is using the buttocks muscles and outer/inner upper leg muscles... I can't really describe it other than saying it is like doing leap frog in the water (not leaping over anything) but using the same arm and leg motions.  


Since the breast stroke uses the whip kick, keeping the knees fairly close together, and the frog kick allows the legs to be a bit further apart, this stretches the legs even further apart and out ot the side, while the arms push down on the water simultaneously.  It's fun.


O and I also do about a dozen kicks straight out like scissors before getting out of the pool.  This works the inside leg muscles too.


I wanted to add that the, "Univera" Mark has me taking is having a calming effect on my self pity emotions.  I get to crying usually when the pain gets bad and can't stop.  This last time, I left off the blubbering quickly and didn't start it up again.  It makes it easier to do what Dr. Lin suggested in not thinking about the pain.

Today

Despite taking the Univera, which is sposed to calm you, I find myself quite antzy today.  I guess it's cuz I've not yet had my coffee.  


The new stretches do leave me sore, but they also seem to be strengthening my legs.  Today, however, the pinching is quite acute, esp. in the right leg at the hip joint.


Adding the backward leg pull (grab leg at ankle pulling up behind your back) in the pool and pulling it at ankle the opposite way are helping.


Heat wave continues, but i have today, tomorrow, Saturday and all next week at Northlake Pool before they close it for annual maintenance.  Guess I will check out Heritage to keep up the water stretches and laps.

Hump Day

Dr. Lin told me today to start doing stretches similar to the ones Mark did when he was in track.  Feet apart, toes forward, lean as far as possible to the right and then the left...  Also touching toes, and reaching behind, grabbing foot and pulling til you want to cry, because your front lower thigh wants to split open.


Does he realize the pain I experience just doing the swimming and biking, stretching on the wobble cushion and ball and the ones lying on my back???


I guess not.  Well, today I spent an hour and a half doing all sorts of stretchings and laps in the water, so I was not very good at trying these new ones.  I did, however, do the lying down, ball and wobble cushions ones.  I may have done five minutes of the required thirty of these new ones.


Sorry, Dr. Lin...  


Also Mark has me taking this univera stuff, and today was the first day for two ounces of the stuff.  It tastes best in tea, so I am going to stick with it.  I did have to pee less today.  Speaking of that, I have to go now.


Latah..

Sunday

Since this is the only day the pool is closed, I opted to get up early and bike around the track ten times.  I did eleven.  Got there at 7 and left at 7:25.  Didna push myself, and that is a good thing.


It is hard work on a cruiser, and I even went to church afterwards, and the ice pack is now melted, leaving the pain clinging.  I refuse to take anything.  I am tired of pain meds and what they do to my intestines.


It doesn't seem to make a difference whether I swim or bike.  Pain lingers in my limbs.  Going up the stairs or fixing things in the kitchen... just plain pain perches in my poor ole petootie.  


I am a thankin' ye, Lord, for despite the pain, I know you are in control, you want my healing and are bringing bout what you want in my life.  I am a feisty lil wrangler, and I know it takes some doin' to tame me, and I want to be reigned in to your likin', so have at me, Lord, and let your kingdom come in my life.

Too Hot, too early

Since the doc is out of town today, I had to choose to get up early anyway, or to let beloved sleep be my healing balm.  I chose the latter.  


I enjoy the swimming motions more than the biking motions, and he said to only do one or the other in one day.  Guess I will not be biking much until fall.  Since the kids will be back, I can't go to the track until just about sunset.  But it will be a joy, since there are no bumps on the track, and Texas sunsets are usually wrap-arounds and wrap the whole sky in pink cotton puffs.


Swimming yesterday was almost a pain free endeavor, and I only bicycled in the deep end one lap.  
I was able to handle the stairs without too much complaining, having only done the wobble cushion and not the ball, and did my stretches only twice.  But I did stretch in the pool and found great release in curling up in a little ball and pulling my legs ever closer to my chest.

Thursday, Looking Up..

It was so hot and I got to bed a bit later last night, so I tried sleeping in and didn't go on the bike ride.  Besides, Tuesday, doing both the bike laps and pool laps about did me in.  I was so sore, Mark had to mop the kitchen.  And wow, I was impressed.  He did a great job!  I even think he enjoyed the results, although he was grumbling all the way through the effort.


But the time at the pool went almost without pain.  Did all the stretches in the shallow end, and doubled up on the side kicks.  Then, in the deep end, I didn't really push myself, but each time I turned around, I curled up into a ball and pulled my legs up to my chest as hard as I could.  It hurt the first time but felt pretty good after that.


I did only one length doing the bicycling and didn't push it or stretch too horribly high.  


Upon coming home, Elaine called, so I was on my feet a good while, and sat down and did some of the hip stretches while talking.  It really doesn't feel too sore.  I am icing, but it is tolerable for a change.  We'll see on the next trip down the stairs.


Dr. Lin is right.  Only do one thing one day, and the other the next day.  I insist on doing it all every day, but it is helping doing a lower key dose.


Maybe hope is returning!  Halan.

2nd day swimming

The first day back is always easier than the second.  Today I was bothered by little things like the tightness of the goggles.  I must have used up five whole minutes stopping and adjusting them before I got into my swim groove. 


Then I realized I had already prayed earlier on the bike ride.  While doing the ten laps around the track, I did my usual warfare prayers.


So when swimming, I began automatically doing them all over again.  Then I realized I had already said them and began to pray for those who are old, sick or in pain (like myself.)  Ha.


Swimming did not come without pain today.  I felt that old throbing in the lower left back more than anywhere else.  It just felt good when I got into a little ball and turned around to go back the other way.  Then the deep end was taken, so I did not get to do the bicycles.  But I already biked this morning, so I did not feel too badly about that.


I had a lot of trouble walking after getting home, and taking the stairs felt awful.  Getting up from the chair in the new way was not very easy, either.


I forgot the ice, so I guess that would be the next thing on the docket, at least after doing some stretching on the ball.


I am just glad I get to go swimming again!

Back down into the valley

After the chiropractic visit, I limped out of the office and came home in pain.  He did not adjust the lower back or the middle.  I just don't get it.  He also skirted the question about my having numb feet, bringing up the question of diabetes.  We told him the doctor elimated that as a reason.  But he kept on it, saying aerobic exercise is absolutely essential.  But whenever I bring up swimming as my source that comes closest to aerobic, he disses swimming as a non-stretching exercise.  Nothing I am doing seems to be good enough, and nothing he is doing seems to be helping, either.


I am pretty low.  I know the Lord is bringing me to the place where I have to say, He, alone, is my health and salvation.


Oh, and rolling on the ball brought no relief, as it was painful in all directions, esp. on the right side.  On the other hand, walking was just about as irritating on the left side.  Go figure.


It was too hot, so I did not ride the bike today.  We still have just the one car, so I did not get to the pool; besides, they are in the middle of a weekend swim meet.


Blah.

New routine begins

Wake up at 8 on T - TH; take ten laps around the track on Huli the Bently.


Empty dishwasher, have breakfast.


Putz around kitchen.


Go through old pix, sorting into one of four boxes.  Ours, James, Julia, Daniel


Rest, stretch, rest, roll, rest, eat lunch


Etc.


Biking today (second day) felt harder, but I was definitely not as sore afterwards.  Maybe I will add a lap now and then.  


Plan on going on M - W - F if it isn't too hot when we get back from Dr. Lin's.

a small step forward?

After a horrible day yesterday because of confusion on the stretching exercises and doing something wrong somewhere along the way, I took two advil and a tramadol and slept pretty well.  Unfortunately woke up at the buttcrack of dawn but got back to sleep for at least an hour before Mark woke me up to get ready with a cup of freshly brewed coffee.


Dr. Lin asked if I could tie together any exercises to certain kinds of pain that seemed new.  Unfortunately I could not.  All I know is doing any kind of stretches seems to bring new and agonizing pain.  


But today I adjusted well and walked, not limped out of the office.  It was the best I have felt in about two years.


He told me to ride the bike.  So I did ten laps around the high school track in the nine o'clock morning heat and humidity.  By the time I got home, I was in pretty much pain down in the lower left hip and leg.  I just know swimming again would help, but how to get to the pool I still don't know.


He also asked if I still went to the gym.  Unfortunately, our membership has expired, and Mark only goes 1) if he can sneak in or 2) if he gets a free week membership at Bally's or LA Fitness.  


So, I have to get up and walk on the trampoline and do the ball and the stretching exercises again.  Right now, it is bringing on pain, but I will have to live with it.

Frustrations

It becomes more and more frustrating living with this back problem.  Today, Dr. Lin barely adjusted the rest of my back, which in my opinion, really needed it, and the neck, which was hurting, barely adjusted.  It always helps when he does the middle part first.  He worked on the lower back and told me to, "Flip over."  I am not much one for flipping in any way, shape or form.  I can barely "turn" over very easily.  He did a rotation with each leg (which hurt) and told me I was not stretching enough.  I asked him about stretching from the get-go, and at that time he told me not to stretch yet.  You can imagine how blamed I felt when he insinuated my limping problem was coming from my lack of stretching.  


When I tried to explain how this made me feel on the way home, Mark could only hem and haw.  I see it as a problem, in that by this time we should be seeing some improvement in the pain level and limping.  He put if off on me by saying I was not stretching.  Then he told me I should look up hip and glute stretches on google.  I told him what I had been doing up until I began treatment with him, and he told me not to do those.  When I googled the stretches, it referred me to those same exercises I had previously been employing.


Now I am confused and frustrated even more.  I am beginning to doubt chiropractic care again.  Maybe I should just have a disc-ectomy.  I am so tired of this.  I am also about to give up.  This is not seeming to work.  Should I just go back to the gym and the exercises Dr. Shock down in Florida told me?  I don't know.


Maybe God is allowing it, so we will all know without a shadow of a doubt that when I am healed, it will be by a divine miracle.  I am not a stranger to those.  I am willing to be made whole in every way, shape and form.  Willing, waiting and most definitely wanting!

Going the wrong way...

The road downhill must have begun after attending church service and a recital both on Sunday.  Too much sitting.  And I was so hopeful and positive then.


Not now.  I am on the downswing of the rollercoaster called convalescence.  Monday was fairly uneventful, other than taking care of Elaine's mom.  All I did was go over there, put on her brace and Mark even took it off that night.  In between went to Dr. Lin, who did what felt like a somewhat light adjustment.


Tuesday, I brought Mrs. V. over here for dinner, and Mark took her home after removing  her brace.  I did stand at the stove a while cooking some breaded, fried summer squash, which she didn't eat anyway.


Meanwhile Julia called and said they were stopping by that night.  But soon she called back and put it off one night.  So I did some light damp mopping, barely bending at all.  What was on the floor I left on the floor, just sweeping it aside.  I pushed the vacuum around on the carpets and later did a bit of dusting.  I knew she was bringing Cassie and her 3 kids, one of which was an avid crawler.  I couldna have him down on filthy dirty floors.


I also cooked some beans and cornbread, but that was all I cooked.  So, basically, I did not do too much..  But the pain is really bad, esp. down on the left lumbar region.  The pinching is really bad on the legs.  Esp. today, Thursday.


Ukki took us swimming last night, but I couldna do laps there.  But to be truthful, I was so very sore, I don't know if I could have done them anyway.  I did some exercises, but even those were too difficult with a pain level of about 8.  Maybe even 9.  I did some sculling and pinwheels but didna enjoy being there at all.  


In fact, I really didna enjoy Julia and her friends, the pain was too wrenching.  When is this gonna end?  I am really feeling pinned against the wall.  I have no life, and when I have a chance to live, I can't enjoy what I am meant to enjoy.  I can't just lie here for the rest of my life.  I would rather die.


Now, James is coming through just as Julia has done, but on Monday.  There is still cleaning that needs to be done.  I guess it won't get done.  There are beds that need to be changed.  But I guess they will not be changed.  Unless Mark does them.  And right now, he is about as much of a basket case as I am.  He just texted that he forgot his ritalin this morning.


Thank you, Lord, for all these trials.  I put them all in your hands.  I am waiting for you do what I am too weak to do, just as you promised.  I know you won't do it, but you can send someone to do it, or you can get Mark to do it.  

Disappointment/His Appointment

I finally got to church yesterday ~ twice!  Service was filled with lovely music and a somewhat decent message.  I would like it much better if the preacher spoke from his heart.  But the music was heavenly.  The liturgy was good.  Public confession of faith and sins.  All good.

Then Colin's organ recital!  Wow!  That really floated my boat.  He is amazing.  I still don't see how someone so short can play as well as someone so tall as James.  But he was superb.  It must take so much concentration and cleanness of mind to be able to focus and play so well.

It was also good to see folks I hadn't seen in almost a year.  I feel so alone and isolated here lying on my back so much of the time.  I got to share the good news that someone finally is treating me who actually understands what is going on in my back: how my spine is twisted and curved all at the same time.  Then I got to share the news that I am finally hopeful about getting better.

Oh, I should know that the enemy strikes just when I express the faith the Lord has imparted in his own wonderful way.  Because today, yes, only one day later, and even after a visit to Dr. Lin, I am feeling more pain than I have in quite some time.

Last week I did the ball rolls and just got right up without having to lie back and turn and keep my leg straight as I crawl into a standing position.  Today?  Back to square one.  and pain while rolling.  quite a bit of pain.

I assumed that things were getting better, esp. after a dr. visit.  But I guess yesterdays sitting was a bit too much.  Oh, well.  Whatever it was, it made me regress.  But I will keep my eyes on the Lord and not on the symptoms.  I know he wants me well.  He does want to heal me.  I refuse the lies of the enemy.  Amen.

It reminds me of when the kids were little and I would have a wonderful time of prayer, thanking God for making me a mother and a wife, and the next day would be simply awful.  The kids would act up, Mark would act emotionally distant, I would feel alone, and the negative thoughts would fill my heart.

Oh, you persons without bodies, wanting to control me.... I will not let you use my body, my heart, my mind, or my emotions.  Evaporate!  Jesus is Victor!

a curve in the road ahead

Well, it's not a corner we are turning yet, nor is it a very sharp curve, but the road is beginning to turn a tiny bit...  This means change is happening.  


For the first time, I felt no pain upon walking out of the office this morning!  Of course, when I feel better, I immediately want to get busy upon arriving home, and it doesn't take very long for the pain to come back. Thus, I have very little stamina which makes it hard to hold the adjustment for long.  


Another good thing that happened is Dr. Lin told us how to to the neurological relaxation stretches with each other.  I hold my breath and push against Mark holding my leg in  a stretch position.  When he lets go, and I breathe, he pushes the stretch further each time.  He said we should do this three times twice a day.  I also can help him with his neck stretches.


I remember Dr. Bob Goode doing these up in B'ton and it helping a lot.  It is hard but helpful!  The first time he did it, I had practically no resistance!


Also, something interesting but very annoying happened last night.  I took my advil and one tramadol, (which I have been doing since having such difficulty sleeping) and fell asleep almost immediately.  Here's the thing:  after only 30 minutes, I woke completely up and felt a muscle twitching similar to how your eye twitches, but it was up on the right side of my head!  Dr. D. said it is very strange, since there are very few muscles in the head.  Every time I just about got to sleep, the stupid twitching would start up again.


I told him it was probably demonic.  


Much of the night is spent in spiritual warfare due to the nature of the enemy's attacks.  He launches his evil at night much of the time.


I am thankful I don't have to work, so I can sleep from time to time during the day when this happens.


Oh, and next week I will get my first list of stretching exercises (other than the ball.)


Hurray for progress!

New rules

This week we skipped our chiropractic Monday due to it's being a holiday, (Memorial Day) and both of us went Wednesday morning.  Our visits will be M-W-F at 8:00 A.M.  This means I have to train myself out of being a night person.  This is not going to be easy, as I have always been a night person and do my best stuff at night, like sketching, writing and just plain thinking.  It is also easier to get an Internet signal at night.


But Ukki fixed my Bible onto my MP3 player, so I can play it all night without interruption.  This helps, for every time I turn over, I wake up completely, and much of the time I cannot get back to sleep very quickly.  Thus when anxious thoughts rush round my head, the scriptures serve to distract me as I turn many of them into prayers and eventually doze off.


Did I say Ukki has to go as well?  He has some issues in his lower back, but his main problem is his, "Military neck."  This could work itself into being a major problem, since he has not a few bone spurs developing.  For both of us, chiropractic adjustments are going to be required for the rest of our lives.  At first we will go often and eventually taper off to a maintenance visit.


Back to Dr. Dylan Lin from Taiwan.  Did I mention he said I would heal in your time?  Yes, he did say I would not heal overnight but in "God's time."  This is even more blazing a truism having now seen the X-rays.  What a mess.  He is concerned about the cervical results, but almost worried about the lower back.  He told me to stop the exercises except ball rolling, gentle bouncing, and walking on the mini-trampoline.  Swimming and aquatic aerobic stretching  is ok when I can get there, but I have to drive or be driven for a while.    No more deep knee bends holding on or lunging.  No fencing that would indicate.  Ha.  Well, that is not a problem, since fencing is the only class I ever flunked outright.  Ha ha.


Apparently my spine is twisted as well as rotated in the last 4 vertebrae.  This is not to mention the many subluxations causing the discs to be herniated.  Hopefully Dr. Lin will be able to straighten me out.  So far, there is still a great deal of pain, but he remains hopeful that with these regular adjustments to which I will gradually add muscle strengthening exercises, I will be able to walk and sit again.  He certainly is confident and, wow, did I say strong?  He is certainly in good shape himself.


Well, time to go walk on the jumper and get those vertebrae lubricated...

Yes, Hope is

So far, I've been to Dylan Lin 4 times; three times for adjustments, and by George, it seems to be working.  I can say tonight's stretches went almost without pain.  I could definitely tell a big difference from the last time I did them.  The ball stuff was still a bit rough, but the lying-on-the- back leg stretches were almost comfortably executed....


Whew,  it is so good to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel!
I have god to thank.  He is the one who helps me sit down and get back up.  And I can say I only had trouble getting up once today, where I could tell the pinching might have reached from hip to knee.  But it didn't...


And I could get up without holding on and cringing.  Praise God!


Another good thing happened.  When Mom called and pressed me to tell her what kind of doctor I was going to, I explained what was going on, using the word, subluxation.  I didn't lie.  I was bold.   I explained how it is pressure on the discs causing the nerves to be ineffective, cutting off the nerve flow to the various organs.


I mentioned how people go for years treating the symptoms with various pills so they can function, but how they never really get to the root of the problem.  Of course, I didn't say her name or Dad's name, but I think she could tie two and two to get four.


She did make a grunty grudge sound when I told her I was going to a chiropractor, and I could tell she was not convinced, and she said a few so called encouraging words to "support" me; but she is still very skeptical.  Only god can open her eyes.  She mentioned how her friend in Florida had an epidural for her back problem.  I told her the pain is a signal there is something wrong and covering it up can be dangerous and exacerbate the problem.


Well, I can thank God for all the help.  I depend on him for everything, every breath, every word, every victory is from him.  Amen.

new chiropractor, new exercises; new hope?

I do have some twinges of fear when it comes to hoping anything will ever help my back/legs.


I can name the chiropractors who have already tried to help.  The guy in NC, Dr. John in B'ton, Dr. Bob in B'ton (the most helpful and also the one who labeled it a, "Hip rotation problem",) Dr. John in Glen Ellyn, Dr. John in Irving, the Drs Parker in Irving, Dr. Gilmore and Dr. Shock in Florida, and now Dr. Dylan Lin in Colleyville.  


The last one is probably going to be the last one.  He is definitely the strongest one.  He also said it is a hip rotation problem working in a sort of catch 22 with the subluxations that keeps the discs from healing.  Discs do heal with proper treatment apart from what the surgeons tell you.  


This situation did not come overnight.  And as Dr. Dylan says, "It will heal in God's time."  Glad to hear him mention your name.  Also wonder to what God he is addressing it.  But I do like him.  He is direct, concise, to the point, and does seem to be caring.


Maybe Mark meeting him at Sprouts was a God send.  I am hoping.


So far, he has told me to quit doing some exercises and start doing some others.


Today I have done 10 deep knee bends (holding on) and 10 lunges (also holding on.)  I am going to try to go up 2 each day until it feels like it is getting stronger...  Then do that a week and try to add more, eventually letting go!  Yikes~  it seems that will be a while.


I am probably not going to the gym anymore.  But I will go to the pool when I can get there and continue with the 20 min. of stretching, do 35 min. laps and some bicycles in the deep end as a cool down.


Now to get the car registered, so I can drive on the windy days.  Yes, and the hot days, which means from now until October..prolly.


Also I am going to do the ball rolls and pops along with walking on the walker, which is what is calling me right now...


Yes, I dare to hope.


I know you do love me and want what is best for me and the family.
I love you too.

What am I to do?

Assuming the thing about wives submitting themselves to their husbands is true and right, I guess I will be going to a new chiropractor in Colleyville for a while.  Not that I have to pump up hope about it working, I am content to leave it in the Lord's hands by dutifully going, starting this Thursday afternoon.  (and assuming he gets off work in time for me to get there on time.)


But while I was sitting in the salt bath last night, I took note of the toilet tank having been made in Westport and remembered my "spiritual awakening" while sitting at pond's edge in that very city in Connecticut quite a few years back.  I thought, "Why am I still around here being as useless as I am?"  Maybe I should do some writing.  Memoirs.  But not too introspective.  Just sort of lay it out.  I should get better, so I can work.  I should work out this problem.  or maybe not.  Maybe I should just do what comes naturally, and that is write.


I feel so useless, so helpless with this problem.  I have tried going to the gym and doing all the exercises the various Dr.s have told me to do.  Now I find several of them are said to be wrong for my problem.  This doc says to do lunges and deep knee bends.  I don't think he has a clue how much pain that costs.  I am not sure he is going to be helpful at all.  I am really confused.  I guess I'll write a book.


But this book, "The Pond at Westport" or "Pond at Westport" or Westport Pond" or whatever,  will be autobiographical.  It is not easy to admit the sins of one's youth, but maybe, just maybe it will serve to be helpful to someone someday.


Now, how to go about it.  I have never written just on a machine.  always longhand.  But longhand is not so easy for me right now.  So blogging a book?  Is that how one does it?

ouch

Almost got stuck on exercise ball again.  boy, it hurt, no matter which way I went.


But esp. left small circles.  Tried to do each for the timed sequence, but that was too difficult.  I just did enough that I could get off the dang thing without excruciating pain.  


Appt. tomorrow at 8 A.M. with Dr. Lin in Colleyville.  He purportedly understands the, "Rotated hip" syndrome.   I must admit I have about as much hope for genuine help as I have for the earth to stop rotating on its axis.  Now, why I would ever hope for that is a good question... Maybe to hold off summer a bit longer.  I do hope for a miracle, though.


We are having beautiful weather, but with the pain shooting down to the knee, there isn't much I can do outside.  Will try to get a load hanging out on the line tomorrow.  Mark did mow back there, and it looks nice.  He also put fresh water in the bird bath, which the doves seem to relish.


Had a difficult conversation with Mom tonight.  I know she only believes in traditional medicine, but she says she doesn't want me to undergo surgery.  She just doesn't think alternative options are real options.  I tried to tell her the pain should be pointing to a remedy, not just treated and ignored.  I ignored the pain while on vacation, bent and sat way too much, quit going to the gym, and now I am in a pickle of a mess.   Many get epidurals but that only numbs the pain which should be minded to get a solution for restoration.


Well, gotta get brave now and try the stretches... ouch... hurts just lying here and thinking about it...


Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.

Back but not back

A week ago today I rode Huli to the gym.  There was absolutely no wind, the rains had stopped a short time previous to my decision to try the trip, the sky was absolutely clear blue, the air was clean and smelled so like spring.  It was one of those rare 68ish cool days, just warm enough but not so warm one breaks out in a sweat.


The routine went easily (I purposefully only did the lightest weights and didn't try for speed in swimming the laps) enough as did the ride home.


I didn't even feel the need for icing, although I did, since the trip to Florida made me feel very very sore, esp. after the long trip home.


Then the warmer weather popped back up, along with stronger and gustier winds, which has prevented me from riding back to the gym.


So, I have not done much.  Tried to finish unpacking, tried vacuuming and mopping (although a two year old could have done it as well as I) but pain came back with a vengeance.


Two trips to the chiropractor later, and all feels much like the same ole, same ole...


Kinda frustrating, but I realize God is in control and sovereign.  I will not complain.  I will trust Him, that he knows what he is doing.

Solomon Grundy worse on Thursday

Too windy to ride Huli the Bently to the gym or even the chiropractor.


Was gonna get hair cut, but that's out til I either find a coupon or the wind calms down enough for me to ride over there.


Not wanting to be self centered but just wanting to get ready to be presentable for the 10 day vacation.  


As for the back, the chiro says it was better than ever, but now I am resting on ice, since it feels worse.  Guess that is what happens sometimes, though I dunna understand it.


The stretches when lying partially propped up seem to help more than rolling on the ball, doing the machines, or even stretching in the water or swimming laps.


At least I can do those here.


but am somewhat concerned this trip will be more than I can handle, seeing as I have not been doing much of anything but lying on my back for a year and a half.


Mopping, vacuuming, bending over, sitting, or grooming the dogs are pretty much no-no's.  But who will do them, so I do them and feel worse.


When will this end?


Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Tuesday

Rode to gym, did low key workout, slow swim.  Pretty difficult all the way around.  No joy in any of it.


Just going through the motions.


Down in the valley, the valley so low.  Head hung over.
Waiting.....


On the upside, only one icing and two advil to sleep mostly through night.


Stretching does seem to help the most.

Challenges for Sol Gndy who was christened on Monday

The enemy is on the lurch.  He got me good, too.


Set up by the person I am to love and trust most in the world to be hit hard and fast, relentlessly, cruelly, unabashedly... leaving me feeling raped in mind, will and emotions.  Overcome with fear, disgust, alarm, nausea, hopelessness, being trapped, uncared for, hated, ambushed, betrayed, tricked, mocked, and deeply harmed in the core of my being, as if I were falling into one of those abstract nightmares I used to have as a child where I am constantly falling, hurdling headlong and out of control into an abyss from which I cannot be rescued.


I meekly and quickly thanked Jeshua for it, quietly and not heartfelt, but dutifully did thank him.  Then forgave the same way.  He is not repentant.  No remorse.  That is as it always has been.  There has to be someone to blame.  Repentance will not come until he has no one else to blame.


But I am not strong, and I do not know how to keep on with this mission.


I am not Hosea.  I was not told to marry a harlot.  What is a male harlot called?  Well, I do not know if this is going to be the last time, or if I will hang in for another hit.  Because another hit will surely be coming.


My heart had recently as yesterday seemed like the pretty white rosebud I brought in from Julia's bush.  Outer petals wide and opening, but still closed in the center, still thorns on the stem. A heart, white, not black.   Now the center is browning as are the outer petals, and the center is not at all open, nor is it planning on opening any further.


It won't be long until the brown overtakes the white.


And I will be right back to square one.  Wait, not will be.  Am.  The rage, indignation, fear, horror of it all.  Bitterness and desire to end it all.  It would be so easy to go online and search for someone to care about my heart, but honestly, I do not think anyone else can be trusted, either.


Now, as for the back pain.  Not at all good today.  Been ten days since I graced the doors of 24 Hr. Fitness. Too windy to ride bike.  No fixed vehicle.  I saw it coming, the further mess in the boys' old room, the quitting of the gym, the role of a beggar in the opera with no singing, the visions of grandeur, self-centered racing here and there.  Playing the FTV game with me was only a ruse.  Part of the enemy's grand slam against my soul.


Then Saturday, I lost all motivation for further exercise after having to re-vacuum the hardwoods and mop them with the big  bulky mop, which left pieces behind in its trail; even Naproxin didna seem to help the heavy throbbing down in the lower lumbar region.  So while Mark's band practiced downstairs, I fumed up here in my cell.  He insisted on turning on the AC for them.  Does he for me when it is hot?  Of course not.


And today is beautiful, windy, but beautiful.  Unfortunately, I do not feel good enough to go outside.  So here I lie, typing up this melancholy message to myself.  or Whoever.


Oh, to have a friend, to have a heart to heart with someone who knows what it's all about here in this darkness.  But, no.  Not a soul.  No one knows, nor will I dump it on anyone about whom I care.


I didna really want to go to the Family Practice Doc this morning.  But in the end, I am glad I did go.
Dr. Shelton is seemingly a Christian.  He has a good spirit about him.  He is almost jovial, but not forced.  Just naturally a cheerful soul.  Even when tired.  I trust him.  He is always telling Mark, who insists that I have Type II Diabetes, that my sugar levels are OK.  Even good.


He said the bowel upset might be coming from too much Naproxin.  Didna think it was from the thyroid.  Said he would up my dose in that if the blood test reflected the need.  Said to try the Tramadol again but only with food.  Said it didna have codeine.  Said the rash was prolly as Mark insisted, Candida.  Will prolly not do Candida diet until after the trip. Am really concerned about being able to handle going, being there, coming home, etc.  It is overwhelming and depressing to think about it, when I should be giddy with excitement.


Mark thinks way too highly of himself.  What it will take to humble him will not be pretty, and I am not at all ready to handle any more from him.  In fact, I am considering having him leave the premises.  I am definitely praying about it, since I do not want to accidentally come across any more of his smut.  It has escalated in form and really did undo me this time.


But he did put the Covenant Eyes on this machine, and he (mechanically) came up and prayed for me to be able to sleep without automatically recalling those images and the demons who attack me in my sleep to be bound.  He said he had no faith to pray for my back.  But at least he did that much.  Knowing his desire to be right, knowing his stubbornness, it couldna have been any easy task for him.


But, what I need is someone to care about my heart.  Oh, I know He does.  And my Daddy Abba, and the Holy Spirit...  But I need someone with a voice and arms that I can feel.


I am really in need of more grace in my life to carry on these next few weeks.  Without it I am surely sunk.