Have been thinking a lot of my time up in Bloomington with the kids. Fall is nice up there. Then I happened to remember I have live streaming of the IU operas and got to hear the last part of Mozart's comic opera. It brought back fond memories of meeting the dean and the births of our lovely granddaughters. It was the happiest time of my life to be there in the form of a servant helping out our son and daughter in law when they needed someone. Praise god for that!
Ok, back to my rehab. I have to admit I have been pretty low lately, losing hope day by day. The exercising seems only to have brought more and more pain. I get so tired of pain. I get close to giving up. I want to give up. I want to be pain free yesterday. My friend tells me I have changed and although seemingly faith has fled away, she sees me as having more faith and less anger. She is my Barnabus, because she has been through her share of pain. She really wants to see me believing more in the healing power of the stripes of Jesus than the doctors telling me I may need hip replacement surgery. I do so want to believe. Lord help my unbelief.
Another setback is the process of trying to secure some money from Social Security Disability and Early Retirement. The government is not to be relied upon or trusted. And ultimately neither are doctors. I am certainly not going to treat any of them like the fourth member of the trinity like many family members on both sides have done.
So, taking it back about a week, I was swimming in the deep end, about three lanes in from the ladder, was finishing up with the breaststroke and happened to look down in these clearer goggles and see this most beautiful and (literally) moving image: Near my body it was all grey and darkish, but out of there shot out my arms, hands together, as if praying, and then out to the sides, away from my body. Jetting out from the grey area were rays of light forming a sort of semi circle, and all through this panorama were little uneven squares of sparkly sun. Each time I took a stroke in this central part of the pool this image kept jolting through my spirit as if Jesus were shooting hope into my heart. So cool! I hope it is true.
Now I get afraid to hold on to hope, and I get angry at God, yes, even Him, because he has let me go on so long this way when he knows I am holding out for his healing, knowing he never turned anyone away while treading this earth and wants to heal me. But I feel as though he has abandoned me. Yes, he too. I don't believe that he is using pain to teach me. I don't think he is holding back healing because I've been bad. But I know he is in control and he will do what he wants when he wants to. I may be impatient, but I know that is true.
I know there was a day when Mark would get out the oil without hesitation and anoint anyone in the family who had the slightest blister or boo boo. But now he says he is not called to be an elder in the church. I may totally manifest and try to choke him if he were to pray for me now. But it is the thing I want most on earth; I just have to quit pressuring him and let him do it when he is ready. I am ready yesterday, but he is not ready. So, I will wait. I will let him go to church and sing in the choir while I stay home. I am not as frail in faith as he yet is after his betrayals. I do want that first love back, and maybe that is what will happen before my other miracle.
Meanwhile every time I have a few hours or even a whole day with minimum pain, I get quite excited. It is easy to hope then.
Yaweh's will be done.
No comments:
Post a Comment