Sunday Day of Hope

Have been thinking a lot of my time up in Bloomington with the kids.  Fall is nice up there.  Then I happened to remember I have live streaming of the IU operas and got to hear the last part of Mozart's comic opera.  It brought back fond memories of meeting the dean and the births of our lovely granddaughters.  It was the happiest time of my life to be there in the form of a servant helping out our son and daughter in law when they needed someone.  Praise god for that!


Ok, back to my rehab.  I have to admit I have been pretty low lately, losing hope day by day.  The exercising seems only to have brought more and more pain.  I get so tired of pain.  I get close to giving up.  I want to give up.  I want to be pain free yesterday.   My friend tells me I have changed and although seemingly faith has fled away, she sees me as having more faith and less anger.  She is my Barnabus, because she has been through her share of pain.  She really wants to see me believing more in the healing power of the stripes of Jesus than the doctors telling me I may need hip replacement surgery.  I do so want to believe.  Lord help my unbelief.


Another setback is the process of trying to secure some money from Social Security Disability and Early Retirement.  The government is not to be relied upon or trusted.  And ultimately neither are doctors.  I am certainly not going to treat any of them like the fourth member of the trinity like many family members on both sides have done.


So, taking it back about a week, I was swimming in the deep end, about three lanes in from the ladder, was finishing up with the breaststroke and happened to look down in these clearer goggles and see this most beautiful and  (literally) moving  image:  Near my body it was all grey and darkish, but out of there shot out my arms, hands together, as if praying, and then out to the sides, away from my body.  Jetting out from the grey area were rays of light forming a sort of semi circle, and all through this panorama were little uneven squares of sparkly sun.  Each time I took a stroke in this central part of the pool this image kept jolting through my spirit as if Jesus were shooting hope into my heart.  So cool!  I hope it is true.


Now I get afraid to hold on to hope, and I get angry at God, yes, even Him, because he has let me go on so long this way when he knows I am holding out for his healing, knowing he never turned anyone away while treading this earth and wants to heal me. But I feel as though he has abandoned me.  Yes, he too.   I don't believe that he is using pain to teach me.  I don't think he is holding back healing because I've been bad.  But I know he is in control and he will do what he wants when he wants to.  I may be impatient, but I know that is true.


I know there was a day when Mark would get out the oil without hesitation and anoint anyone in the family who had the slightest blister or boo boo.  But now he says he is not called to be an elder in the church.  I may totally manifest and try to choke him if he were to pray for me now.  But it is the thing I want most on earth;  I just have to quit pressuring him and let him do it when he is ready.  I am ready yesterday, but he is not ready.  So, I will wait.  I will let him go to church and sing in the choir while I stay home.  I am not as frail in faith as he yet is after his betrayals.  I do want that first love back, and maybe that is what will happen before my other miracle.


Meanwhile every time I have a few hours or even a whole day with minimum pain, I get quite excited.  It is easy to hope then.


Yaweh's will be done.

Take it easy, woman!

So, Saturday, I lay out in the sun for an hour before getting into the cold pool.  Did all my usual stuff and decided to swim in the shallow end, since I had ridden Huli the Bently earlier and didn't need to bicycle in the deep.  


The guy swimming next to me was pretty slow, (like me) so I decided to see if I could out lap him and sped up.  Then he sped up.  soon it was a free for all.  By the time he quit, I was pretty sore and wished I had not challenged him.  But I think he was glad.


Today I just took it easy after doing all my stretches twice.  Did not have any competition, nor were there many swimming laps.  Too bad, it was a lovely day for a swim, and it will be tomorrow too.  Going up to 105!  Will definitely warm up the water.


Don't know why these ole legs are so sore!  Hoping and praying soon they will get used to all this exercise and the pain in the lower back will back off for good.

Bleh

Yesterday:  chiropractic, home to laundry, kitchen and waiting for pool to open. 


Pain pretty bad


All stretches once, laps complete, bicycle in deep end for 15 min.


Some relief after laps, but more pain after bicycling motions.


Home to ice.  Pain does not subside the rest of the day until bedtime meds.


Today:  bicycle around track ten times.  somewhat windy.  Home and picked up too much.  Pain sets in.  Ice for 3 hours.  somewhat better.


Moral of the story...  do not bend over.  squat when getting something off floor, but be sure to have something to lean on upon rising from said squat.


and goal:  Push through the pain.

Sunday

Here it is September eleventh, the day of remembrance for all who fell on that fateful day ten years ago.  They are serving communion at church.  I love communion, but I cannot attend.  My back is hurting too much to sit.  I cannot walk without a lot of pain.  But I can ride my bike, and I can swim.  


So, even though I got kicked off the track (they can't have tires on the track) (wait, aren't tennis shoes made of that same kind of material?) I will go ever so slowly around the art center complex and try to avoid the potholes, so my spine will not be jolted.  I will pray as I go, for all who have been orphaned or widowed by the Muslim terrorists.  I will pray for the terrorists that they will not have to burn in hell forever.  I will pray for those who think moderate Islam exists, for it, if truly adhered to, only leads to radical Islam.


Jesus said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I will pray for all my relatives who think President Obama has done and will do the right thing for our country.


I know I am not saved by taking communion.  I am not saved by attending church, or singing in the choir.  I do not know why I am being isolated so very sorely at this time.  I do not know why I am so alone in this pain.  I do not know why the physical pain is only leading to more emotional and spiritual pain.  But I do know God has a plan for my life.  Evidently, this all is part of his plan for me right now.  I do not like it.  


I love Job.  I identify with Job a lot.  He lost everything but his life, and he was probably in a lot more pain than I am experiencing.  I do not know how long his trial tormented him.  He could complain and blame it on God, but in the end he also said God would bring his relief.  I agree.  To whom else could I go?  God is the only one who is with me through all this, so I am not completely and utterly alone.  Sometimes I would be nice to have someone stroke my hair, or give me a big hug and kiss.  I do miss the comfort of my mother, and I know my mother also needs me.  


I do not understand all this.  It confuses me so much.  I find it hard to sleep.  I find it hard to relax.  I want to drug myself until all this is over, but the drugs do not do well in my digestive system.  Maybe a little wine.  I am going now.  Bless.

Yea! Pool's Open!!

I did try to swim while Northlake was closed in August, but neither alternate pool proved a viable option, so I chilled at home in the AC, doing my lunges, stretches and generally trying to stay upright and taking nourishment.


Yesterday started with a chilly 58 degrees, so by the time I got in the water, I had to draw myself up and say, "Brrrr!"  Can't believe how cold the water felt, but it did not take many leg lifts before the warm sun reached my tired bones.


I have seen the kids at the track doing a rabbit jump like exercise and thought I'd try that in the water, but Mark said I should only do my usual, and gently at that, and leave the experimenting for later.


He was right.  I was really sore after my basic hour of stretching and hour of lap swim and bicycling in the deep end.  I was sooo thankful the Father found me a close parking place.  At first I had to park way out in Siberia, but as I began walking up, I saw the closest place next to handicapped.  Oh, joy!  Because after the workout, I was barely able to walk to the closest place.  He really knows my needs and limits, thank you, Father!


This morning woke me up in pain at 5:30; I was sore on both sides and on my back, so I lay there listening to Psalms, praying them for me and the guy held in prison for whom I am also praying Psalm 69.  He is being held by Hamas.  Soon it was time to leave for Colleyville.  Dr. Lin said my legs were improving in range of movement.  I can also see this, but the process is not without a lot of pinching, throbbing, and shooting pain down past the knee.  


Avoiding surgery, I am finding, is wrought with lots of hard work and irritating, chronic pain.  Sometimes I want to give in.  Sometimes I think the Father is ignoring me when I affirm that Jesus took my pain on the Cross, not allowing His healing stripes to avail for me.  I am so accustomed to instant, miraculous prayer results!  Then I realize he is helping and healing and answering me through Dr. Lin and the efforts I do purely out of obedience, often in a hopeless frame of mind.


He is also doing a cleansing, healing work in my heart, bringing me into a more thankful and satisfied state of mind and spirit.  
For example, I cannot go swim today unless I bike it, which the weather would definitely allow, but as for my back/legs?  Don't know about that.  I would have to walk a lot on the way home.     But usually when a flat tire, or car trouble, or late utility payment causes me to be housebound, I get all upset and angry.  I can now be content whatever wrenches get in the machinery of expected routines.


So, I can be more thankful, and that is quite a contrast to my usual whining and complaining!