Too windy to ride Huli the Bently to the gym or even the chiropractor.
Was gonna get hair cut, but that's out til I either find a coupon or the wind calms down enough for me to ride over there.
Not wanting to be self centered but just wanting to get ready to be presentable for the 10 day vacation.
As for the back, the chiro says it was better than ever, but now I am resting on ice, since it feels worse. Guess that is what happens sometimes, though I dunna understand it.
The stretches when lying partially propped up seem to help more than rolling on the ball, doing the machines, or even stretching in the water or swimming laps.
At least I can do those here.
but am somewhat concerned this trip will be more than I can handle, seeing as I have not been doing much of anything but lying on my back for a year and a half.
Mopping, vacuuming, bending over, sitting, or grooming the dogs are pretty much no-no's. But who will do them, so I do them and feel worse.
When will this end?
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday
Rode to gym, did low key workout, slow swim. Pretty difficult all the way around. No joy in any of it.
Just going through the motions.
Down in the valley, the valley so low. Head hung over.
Waiting.....
On the upside, only one icing and two advil to sleep mostly through night.
Stretching does seem to help the most.
Just going through the motions.
Down in the valley, the valley so low. Head hung over.
Waiting.....
On the upside, only one icing and two advil to sleep mostly through night.
Stretching does seem to help the most.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Challenges for Sol Gndy who was christened on Monday
The enemy is on the lurch. He got me good, too.
Set up by the person I am to love and trust most in the world to be hit hard and fast, relentlessly, cruelly, unabashedly... leaving me feeling raped in mind, will and emotions. Overcome with fear, disgust, alarm, nausea, hopelessness, being trapped, uncared for, hated, ambushed, betrayed, tricked, mocked, and deeply harmed in the core of my being, as if I were falling into one of those abstract nightmares I used to have as a child where I am constantly falling, hurdling headlong and out of control into an abyss from which I cannot be rescued.
I meekly and quickly thanked Jeshua for it, quietly and not heartfelt, but dutifully did thank him. Then forgave the same way. He is not repentant. No remorse. That is as it always has been. There has to be someone to blame. Repentance will not come until he has no one else to blame.
But I am not strong, and I do not know how to keep on with this mission.
I am not Hosea. I was not told to marry a harlot. What is a male harlot called? Well, I do not know if this is going to be the last time, or if I will hang in for another hit. Because another hit will surely be coming.
My heart had recently as yesterday seemed like the pretty white rosebud I brought in from Julia's bush. Outer petals wide and opening, but still closed in the center, still thorns on the stem. A heart, white, not black. Now the center is browning as are the outer petals, and the center is not at all open, nor is it planning on opening any further.
It won't be long until the brown overtakes the white.
And I will be right back to square one. Wait, not will be. Am. The rage, indignation, fear, horror of it all. Bitterness and desire to end it all. It would be so easy to go online and search for someone to care about my heart, but honestly, I do not think anyone else can be trusted, either.
Now, as for the back pain. Not at all good today. Been ten days since I graced the doors of 24 Hr. Fitness. Too windy to ride bike. No fixed vehicle. I saw it coming, the further mess in the boys' old room, the quitting of the gym, the role of a beggar in the opera with no singing, the visions of grandeur, self-centered racing here and there. Playing the FTV game with me was only a ruse. Part of the enemy's grand slam against my soul.
Then Saturday, I lost all motivation for further exercise after having to re-vacuum the hardwoods and mop them with the big bulky mop, which left pieces behind in its trail; even Naproxin didna seem to help the heavy throbbing down in the lower lumbar region. So while Mark's band practiced downstairs, I fumed up here in my cell. He insisted on turning on the AC for them. Does he for me when it is hot? Of course not.
And today is beautiful, windy, but beautiful. Unfortunately, I do not feel good enough to go outside. So here I lie, typing up this melancholy message to myself. or Whoever.
Oh, to have a friend, to have a heart to heart with someone who knows what it's all about here in this darkness. But, no. Not a soul. No one knows, nor will I dump it on anyone about whom I care.
I didna really want to go to the Family Practice Doc this morning. But in the end, I am glad I did go.
Dr. Shelton is seemingly a Christian. He has a good spirit about him. He is almost jovial, but not forced. Just naturally a cheerful soul. Even when tired. I trust him. He is always telling Mark, who insists that I have Type II Diabetes, that my sugar levels are OK. Even good.
He said the bowel upset might be coming from too much Naproxin. Didna think it was from the thyroid. Said he would up my dose in that if the blood test reflected the need. Said to try the Tramadol again but only with food. Said it didna have codeine. Said the rash was prolly as Mark insisted, Candida. Will prolly not do Candida diet until after the trip. Am really concerned about being able to handle going, being there, coming home, etc. It is overwhelming and depressing to think about it, when I should be giddy with excitement.
Mark thinks way too highly of himself. What it will take to humble him will not be pretty, and I am not at all ready to handle any more from him. In fact, I am considering having him leave the premises. I am definitely praying about it, since I do not want to accidentally come across any more of his smut. It has escalated in form and really did undo me this time.
But he did put the Covenant Eyes on this machine, and he (mechanically) came up and prayed for me to be able to sleep without automatically recalling those images and the demons who attack me in my sleep to be bound. He said he had no faith to pray for my back. But at least he did that much. Knowing his desire to be right, knowing his stubbornness, it couldna have been any easy task for him.
But, what I need is someone to care about my heart. Oh, I know He does. And my Daddy Abba, and the Holy Spirit... But I need someone with a voice and arms that I can feel.
I am really in need of more grace in my life to carry on these next few weeks. Without it I am surely sunk.
Set up by the person I am to love and trust most in the world to be hit hard and fast, relentlessly, cruelly, unabashedly... leaving me feeling raped in mind, will and emotions. Overcome with fear, disgust, alarm, nausea, hopelessness, being trapped, uncared for, hated, ambushed, betrayed, tricked, mocked, and deeply harmed in the core of my being, as if I were falling into one of those abstract nightmares I used to have as a child where I am constantly falling, hurdling headlong and out of control into an abyss from which I cannot be rescued.
I meekly and quickly thanked Jeshua for it, quietly and not heartfelt, but dutifully did thank him. Then forgave the same way. He is not repentant. No remorse. That is as it always has been. There has to be someone to blame. Repentance will not come until he has no one else to blame.
But I am not strong, and I do not know how to keep on with this mission.
I am not Hosea. I was not told to marry a harlot. What is a male harlot called? Well, I do not know if this is going to be the last time, or if I will hang in for another hit. Because another hit will surely be coming.
My heart had recently as yesterday seemed like the pretty white rosebud I brought in from Julia's bush. Outer petals wide and opening, but still closed in the center, still thorns on the stem. A heart, white, not black. Now the center is browning as are the outer petals, and the center is not at all open, nor is it planning on opening any further.
It won't be long until the brown overtakes the white.
And I will be right back to square one. Wait, not will be. Am. The rage, indignation, fear, horror of it all. Bitterness and desire to end it all. It would be so easy to go online and search for someone to care about my heart, but honestly, I do not think anyone else can be trusted, either.
Now, as for the back pain. Not at all good today. Been ten days since I graced the doors of 24 Hr. Fitness. Too windy to ride bike. No fixed vehicle. I saw it coming, the further mess in the boys' old room, the quitting of the gym, the role of a beggar in the opera with no singing, the visions of grandeur, self-centered racing here and there. Playing the FTV game with me was only a ruse. Part of the enemy's grand slam against my soul.
Then Saturday, I lost all motivation for further exercise after having to re-vacuum the hardwoods and mop them with the big bulky mop, which left pieces behind in its trail; even Naproxin didna seem to help the heavy throbbing down in the lower lumbar region. So while Mark's band practiced downstairs, I fumed up here in my cell. He insisted on turning on the AC for them. Does he for me when it is hot? Of course not.
And today is beautiful, windy, but beautiful. Unfortunately, I do not feel good enough to go outside. So here I lie, typing up this melancholy message to myself. or Whoever.
Oh, to have a friend, to have a heart to heart with someone who knows what it's all about here in this darkness. But, no. Not a soul. No one knows, nor will I dump it on anyone about whom I care.
I didna really want to go to the Family Practice Doc this morning. But in the end, I am glad I did go.
Dr. Shelton is seemingly a Christian. He has a good spirit about him. He is almost jovial, but not forced. Just naturally a cheerful soul. Even when tired. I trust him. He is always telling Mark, who insists that I have Type II Diabetes, that my sugar levels are OK. Even good.
He said the bowel upset might be coming from too much Naproxin. Didna think it was from the thyroid. Said he would up my dose in that if the blood test reflected the need. Said to try the Tramadol again but only with food. Said it didna have codeine. Said the rash was prolly as Mark insisted, Candida. Will prolly not do Candida diet until after the trip. Am really concerned about being able to handle going, being there, coming home, etc. It is overwhelming and depressing to think about it, when I should be giddy with excitement.
Mark thinks way too highly of himself. What it will take to humble him will not be pretty, and I am not at all ready to handle any more from him. In fact, I am considering having him leave the premises. I am definitely praying about it, since I do not want to accidentally come across any more of his smut. It has escalated in form and really did undo me this time.
But he did put the Covenant Eyes on this machine, and he (mechanically) came up and prayed for me to be able to sleep without automatically recalling those images and the demons who attack me in my sleep to be bound. He said he had no faith to pray for my back. But at least he did that much. Knowing his desire to be right, knowing his stubbornness, it couldna have been any easy task for him.
But, what I need is someone to care about my heart. Oh, I know He does. And my Daddy Abba, and the Holy Spirit... But I need someone with a voice and arms that I can feel.
I am really in need of more grace in my life to carry on these next few weeks. Without it I am surely sunk.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Solomon Grundy worse on Friday
Well, it looks like another set back for the ole back. All I did was bend over and pick up stuff, run the vacuum, and spot clean the carpet IN ONE ROOM.
Today the pain was localized in the lower (slightly left) back, real achy, and I didna feel much like doing a thing. Even walking was painful.
Of course, my thoughts wanted to run rampant saying, "How am I going to make the trip to Florida in two weeks?"
The idea of a cortizone shot sound better all the time. Sherry said it is a steroid, won't help me get better, and could possibly cause insomnia and irritability. Phfft. I am already pretty much experiencing most of the above. If it will alleviate at least half the pain, I will be able to cope.
Usually the pain in the leg is enough to make me want the shot for something extra like traveling. But now I am actually wondering if that will even help enough to enjoy the kids.
OK, Lord, you know what you are doing. I still go after the unhealthy soul ties, breaking them in Jesus Christ's Name, and send curses back to senders. I know the Father has something he is trying to accomplish here, and I want eyes to see and ears to hear it.
He is sovereign. Amen.
Today the pain was localized in the lower (slightly left) back, real achy, and I didna feel much like doing a thing. Even walking was painful.
Of course, my thoughts wanted to run rampant saying, "How am I going to make the trip to Florida in two weeks?"
The idea of a cortizone shot sound better all the time. Sherry said it is a steroid, won't help me get better, and could possibly cause insomnia and irritability. Phfft. I am already pretty much experiencing most of the above. If it will alleviate at least half the pain, I will be able to cope.
Usually the pain in the leg is enough to make me want the shot for something extra like traveling. But now I am actually wondering if that will even help enough to enjoy the kids.
OK, Lord, you know what you are doing. I still go after the unhealthy soul ties, breaking them in Jesus Christ's Name, and send curses back to senders. I know the Father has something he is trying to accomplish here, and I want eyes to see and ears to hear it.
He is sovereign. Amen.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Yesterdays trip to the gym and todays stuff
Better late than never as they say....
I was feeling a bit nervous going after the episode with the guy who spit on the deck and I got angry at him, and he ignored me and kept right on spitting.... it felt as if it were in my face.
I got to thinking and praying for him, thinking how angry and hurt he must be. Trying to think of his woundedness and also thinking of Jeshua ha Messiah and his being spat upon for that very man.
I just knew he would be at the gym. And I think I did see him, but although he looked at me quite a bit, I doubt he recognized me, not being with my cap and suit on and all.
So I finished the workout and proceeded to the pool. did all the stretches, laps and went to the sauna. I was also feeling somewhat convicted that I designated the spitter was a black man, since it doesn't really matter that he was African American. I was assaulted by a guy similar to the spitter once at the Ann Arbor Arboretum, so I guess I have yet to deal thoroughly with that.
But I was feeling a bit guilty for yelling at the spitter, even though if he were to hear me I would have had to have yelled, his ear phones being in his ears and all.
So there were these two African American guys in the sauna having a conversation about another guy, a cousin of the younger man, who had been in trouble with the law and had come to church and gotten straightened out. but he unfortunately went back out into the world, lured by the scent of drugs to attain temporal values, and got himself killed.
so sad.... the older guy was sharing about the Lord with the younger guy, that one never knows if his episode with the Lord stuck, despite his backsliding.
It reminded me of Tim Tinsley's brother. so I shared with the two of them. We agreed that nothing can make us presentable to God but what Jesus did for us.
The older man came to Jeshua in prison himself. He got himself licensed to preach and seemed a changed man. He even quit taking his blood pressure and diabetes medicine due to the changed life, and working out at the gym...
I told him I believed in healing and living a life according to covenant but did not know why God has not taken away this pain yet. I am praying for ears to hear and eyes to see. He was in agreement that the Lord is trying to get something accomplished through these two years and who ever knows how much longer of this pain.
I know the Lord is in control and will glorify himself through what I am experiencing.
I do have many doubts and feel pretty useless a lot.
However, today I got three loads of laundry done, transplanted the Norfolk Island Pine and watered all the plants, got the lunch and dinner prepared and the laundry folded. Not put away yet. dishwasher loaded too.
My back was pretty sore after the gardening stent, but it seems calmed down now... just pain in the legs is bothering me.
Mark is doing his thing at the opera, "Boris Gudinov" and hopefully filling his joy cup. He is also going to a cast party afterwards. I know he would rather be singing, but it is not to be at this point.
When we sang in church in the pews Sunday, he over sang, over annunciated, and it sounded pretty funny to me. He just has to learn how to sing differently for different occasions. He really does try too hard. He should just learn to relax and sing from his heart. I know his heart is mixed up quite a bit, but it would behoove him to realize that he doesn't have to try to impress anybody by singing a certain way.
O well, he doesn't listen to me, so I will keep my own mouth shut!
I was feeling a bit nervous going after the episode with the guy who spit on the deck and I got angry at him, and he ignored me and kept right on spitting.... it felt as if it were in my face.
I got to thinking and praying for him, thinking how angry and hurt he must be. Trying to think of his woundedness and also thinking of Jeshua ha Messiah and his being spat upon for that very man.
I just knew he would be at the gym. And I think I did see him, but although he looked at me quite a bit, I doubt he recognized me, not being with my cap and suit on and all.
So I finished the workout and proceeded to the pool. did all the stretches, laps and went to the sauna. I was also feeling somewhat convicted that I designated the spitter was a black man, since it doesn't really matter that he was African American. I was assaulted by a guy similar to the spitter once at the Ann Arbor Arboretum, so I guess I have yet to deal thoroughly with that.
But I was feeling a bit guilty for yelling at the spitter, even though if he were to hear me I would have had to have yelled, his ear phones being in his ears and all.
So there were these two African American guys in the sauna having a conversation about another guy, a cousin of the younger man, who had been in trouble with the law and had come to church and gotten straightened out. but he unfortunately went back out into the world, lured by the scent of drugs to attain temporal values, and got himself killed.
so sad.... the older guy was sharing about the Lord with the younger guy, that one never knows if his episode with the Lord stuck, despite his backsliding.
It reminded me of Tim Tinsley's brother. so I shared with the two of them. We agreed that nothing can make us presentable to God but what Jesus did for us.
The older man came to Jeshua in prison himself. He got himself licensed to preach and seemed a changed man. He even quit taking his blood pressure and diabetes medicine due to the changed life, and working out at the gym...
I told him I believed in healing and living a life according to covenant but did not know why God has not taken away this pain yet. I am praying for ears to hear and eyes to see. He was in agreement that the Lord is trying to get something accomplished through these two years and who ever knows how much longer of this pain.
I know the Lord is in control and will glorify himself through what I am experiencing.
I do have many doubts and feel pretty useless a lot.
However, today I got three loads of laundry done, transplanted the Norfolk Island Pine and watered all the plants, got the lunch and dinner prepared and the laundry folded. Not put away yet. dishwasher loaded too.
My back was pretty sore after the gardening stent, but it seems calmed down now... just pain in the legs is bothering me.
Mark is doing his thing at the opera, "Boris Gudinov" and hopefully filling his joy cup. He is also going to a cast party afterwards. I know he would rather be singing, but it is not to be at this point.
When we sang in church in the pews Sunday, he over sang, over annunciated, and it sounded pretty funny to me. He just has to learn how to sing differently for different occasions. He really does try too hard. He should just learn to relax and sing from his heart. I know his heart is mixed up quite a bit, but it would behoove him to realize that he doesn't have to try to impress anybody by singing a certain way.
O well, he doesn't listen to me, so I will keep my own mouth shut!
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