After doing all I could possiby do for the rehabilitation of my back, legs and hips, I am now resigned to the fact that all efforts seem futile. You can't say I didn't try. Furthermore, you can't say, "It's allllll in my heaaaaad."
True, some days have been better than others, but exactly what contributes to those better times, I don't really know. Mark has me back on Univera Reginicare, and I can say I do feel better when taking that three times a day. The ecises have also helped, but when you see the X-Ray, you see the bone on bone, and you see the effects of the scraping in the form of cysts, which I find are getting more and more intrusive with ugly painful side effects.
I am not having major depression over this, but I give you the fact that if I weren't taking Mark's Xtra, I would be on Prozac or something stronger. I am now at the point where sleeplessness (due to pain even with the meds) has equally caused mood swings and feelings of hopelessness. I attribute any good coming from all this to the Lord Jesus Christ and his dying love for my body, spirit and soul.
Many times I still feel as though he has abandoned me, because I have had miraculous healings in my life, I do believe he wants everyone every whit whole, and I can't understand why he has not healed me. I don't want to have a healing through a surgeon cutting my skin and installing an artificial hip component. I accept it as a last resort.
I also realize to have it go without any hitches takes prayer, because already the insurance is against us. The fact that the so called, "Affordable Care Act" is a real piece of deception and will inevitably cause Medicare to all but disappear, is serving as a catalyst for my accepting this rather depressing solution. If I wait too much longer, I may be in this unbearable pain the rest of my life, which has become no life; many times when Mark asks what I want to eat, I say arsenic on stricchnine toast.
He retorts, "You have been and are already full of poison which is what has been destroying your joints. He swears it is the candida that has damaged my joints beyond repair. Actually he thinks the Univera can repair the cartillage and tendons that have worn away in my hip joints.
Yes, joints. Right side = real bad. Left side = bad. So, I say why not let the right side be artifially repaired and use the left side as an unwitting participant in this Univera/get rid of Candida experiment?
Mark is very worried about my having made the wrong decision on this; that I was bamboozled into it way too quickly. However, there are things to do, places to go this summer. It may be Mom's last summer, as last summer was Dad's. She is a tough old bird, but I can't see her going and coming up North all by herself carrying Bogie, her purse, her carryon, and being in a wheelchair between flights.
I do hope Andy will help her get up there, because if all goes well, I want to help her get home. Maybe I will even be able to get her up there. I have people who want to see me in Michigan, and the kids are planning on swinging by Goodhart on route home, if I am not mistaken. I could possibly even see the girls and Mom up there.
Well, I know the Lord knows, is sovereign, and has my best interests at heart. I surrender all, trust all his motives and protective acts on my behalf.
In the end victory has again been won for me and mine.
Nancy Jeanne is most likely going to be coming post surgery to help take care of me, and that is special in and of itself. I know the Lord has a plan for our whole family to be again blessed by Jame's very sweet, beautiful and strong wife. She just doesn't know what she is getting into regarding the state of squalor here at the house.
But as friend Annie says, my health is more important right now that my pride about keeping the nastiness of the house hidden from people who love me. What a wise woman.
Add it all together, and I am very blessed.
Amen.
